Don't Try This At Home

So here I was, paging around online, noticing that there are regular everyday women (as in-not rich) that have super fantastic hair. It's not like they have hairstylists every day, and yet, it's PERFECT!

What are they doing that I'm not doing? So I search "hair treatments" thinking that it must be something they've done to it. It can't be how they style it. I can take forever styling my hair, and it doesn't ever look like that!

I flip through some sites and see all the home remedies. So I copy them into microsoft word and review. Since I can't figure out which one is best, I figure I'll combine. I kind of work off the theory that if one/part is good, more/all will be better. I'm sure one day it'll sink in that it almost never works this way, but hope springs eternal. Here are a couple samples of what you're supposed to do:

DIY Deep Conditioning Avocado Hair Mask

• 1 medium avocado, mashed
• 1/2 cup real mayo
• 2 tbsp honey
• 3 tbsp olive oil

Combine ingredients and apply to dry hair, working through to ends. Wrap with plastic. Condition for 30 minutes. Shampoo.

Shine Enhancing Hair Treatment

• 1 mashed up banana
• squirt of Honey
• 1 egg
• 1/2 container unflavored yogurt

Combine all ingredients and stir well. Comb into hair and massage head for better absorbtion. Cover with a shower cap and wrap with a hot towel. Wait 20 minutes and shampoo as normal.

Here's what NOT to do:

Ashley's Hair Moisturizing Concoction

• Half a Jar of Mayo
• 3 Eggs
• Mashed Avocado
• Smidge of Olive Oil
• Half a Smashed Banana

Shake mixture in Mayo jar to get nearly even consistency. Some avocado chunks will be present. This is to be expected as a result of not mashing properly. Empty full jar onto hair and tangle hair attempting to cover every strand during application. Wrap in cling wrap. Watch TV until you forget about it. Shampoo.

I hoped to get this all done while Terry was gone and just wow him with the results. Of course, it's my luck that he gets off early because he took a late emergency call last night. He comes home and bursts out laughing at the guacamole-head look I'm sporting. "So... we supposed to fry that up when it's done or what?" Oh, the fun.

After about an hour or so, I forget what I'm doing and realize I have to wash it out. When I pull the plastic off, my hair doesn't move. It doesn't even sweep down off the top of my head where its piled. When I hop in the shower, it barely moves. It actually feels like I've ratted my hair to the point of no return and emptied a can of aquanet on it. It took 3 rounds of shampoo and conditioner for me to call it quits on the washing.

I ran out the hot water just on my hair. I sucked out as much water as I could and blow-dried it. I realized just before I finished, after a million rounds of wonderfully fruity hair products, that my hair gave off the aroma of fish bait. Awesome. Even better-- the heat and wind from the hair dryer caused the whole downstairs to smell like fishbait. There's no way I'm washing it again tonight though. A little "Oust" air sanitizer and some perfume ought to do it for now.

Luckily, my hair turned out shiny and thick. Dear God let it last. Don't try this at home.

Update-A Long Time Coming

Holy crap. I forgot that I started this blog. And here I go, reading and ready to be nostalgic. If you want to know how I feel about that, put your tongue between your lips and blow. Here's all that's happened since.

1.) Not a good Goddamned thing came from Kyle's business. It helps if you uh... try? umm... give a shit? Promote at all? Want to even do it? what a tank of funding. I made enough to get us into our own apartment and out of his dad's apartment. And he made enough to give me 6 or 7 dollars a week to spend wildly from his tips valet parking. He saved himself $800. It was good that he had that. I clued in and realized that he never had my back and never intended to. He was too immature to understand anything. We just... we weren't on the same level. He needed every dime to get the fuck out. I wish I could say it was more ceremonial than that. What I recall most is him wanting to take so much from the kitchen. He only decided two weeks before that he wanted to learn to cook more than mac n' cheese. I had been cooking dinner even after work when he had done nothing all day. Nearly all the pots/pans/dishes/utensils were mine before he ever moved in. Ass.

2.) Working for that apartment community was hell on earth. Two of those pics weren't even from the property where I worked. Most of the girls were bitchy. Everyone was a hopeless gossip. No one gave me a fair shot. Everyone treated me and talked to me like I was retarded. Oh puhleeeez. I don't think there was a single idea that came out of anyone there that even vaguely impressed me. What they were is a bunch of conceited, materialistic, superficial whores. The ex-salon worker with the drug-pedaling boyfriend/baby daddy of just one kid- the other baby daddy in jail- think she's somebody loser. The assistant manager with the boyfriend she calls a husband who she's marrying for the money and slept with every guy on property while he was away on business, can't get hold of herself enough to be professional in front of residents bitch. How about the Pennsylvanian leasing agent that only ever leased because she couldn't handle school and said three days before her boyfriend who moved to Florida with her and proposed to her on a surprise trip to Puerto Rico under a waterfall with the ring she's obsessed over for years and he's carried around for a year that she doesn't think she even likes him enough to stay with him for another month- airhead. Let's discuss the psycho property manager who fired their excellent service manager of 20 years to give her highschool friend and glorified trash picker a better job when he didn't even have a single certification after calculating a huge lie to tell the regional manager, baby-obsessed, self-centered, do little, wacko. Then there's the super incredible, awesome, tired-souled, service technician who stuck it out in that soul-crushing hell hole just long enough to meet me, swap properties to Cielo, and live happily ever after. I love that part of the story.

3.) I totally forgot that I didn't vote in the last election. I got to vote in the primary though. The country is generally upset at the outcome. Obama's approval rating is maybe in the 60-something percent range. It's unfortunate that he hasn't got a lot of support. I'm still hopeful. He said at the outset that the kinds of problems we have aren't going to be fixed overnight. He's under a lot of scrutiny for not having met some of his deadlines he cited in campaign promises. There are still troops being sent to the middle east. Health care hasn't been reformed yet. I still say, he had a clusterfuck to clean up. It's going to take some time just to sort through the pieces. Good luck prez!

4.) I met Terry and we both moved to Cielo. Yes, we were both still married and ready to call it quits on the unions. The property we went to was the land of misfit toys. We didn't fit in to the normal descriptions of property manager, leasing agent, service manager, service tech, porter, etc., as outlined by the corporation. That's what made us so awesome. We hauled the property's numbers up and had a blast doing it. Terry and I moved in together and not long after, decided to persue a larger adventure. We applied for some jobs out of state and he was hired as the service manager at a property in San Marcos Texas. Here I am... stay at home girlfriend. I get the coffee... do the laundry... walk the dog... etc. I also spend some time online, paint, and try to meet people, among other things. I'll keep up on this. There will be more later.