Here I sit, with a mere 45 minutes until I'll be forcing myself to sleep. Tomorrow holds the potential for a wildly motivating or an incredibly overwhelming experience. I will have my first 'first day of work' in more than three years. I can't imagine what it must be like to change careers after a tenure of 10 or 20 loyal years with one company. My attention span naturally falls much shorter than most in regards to employment. Luckily, after the two months it took to find this job (my longest job hunt ever by a month and a half) starting the search over isn't high on my list.
Adding to my jitters, I have a little issue with impressing people. I have to do it. It is one of the very things that drives me to make great leaps that if I had looked at my today-self with my 8-years-ago-self I would never have believed it. (Of course, at that time, I was going to be a teacher and I was going to live in Columbus forever. I had no interest in owning a business and wished desperately that I had some sort of vague hint of natural talent related to art. Silly me. On an even wilder note, I was constantly put-off that Kyle Gordon barely noticed me.)
Today is the end of finding things to occupy my day. Here begins the rush to the office in the morning, hot-boxing cigarettes on my break, and wedging errands into my evenings between dinner and slumber. It will be hard to relinquish dashing to the beach with the latest beauty mag to see what my eyeshadow says about me at a moment's notice. The pile of books from the library will probably need to be renewed 2 or 3 times before I can get through them all. I have spent all my time becoming an expert on free/cheap ways to feel like I'm contributing to society in some way. At least if I finish the crossword all by myself, I will be exercising my mind. I'll need this to be able to carry on a conversation, if only with the checker at the grocery store as we have few friends yet.
My greatest use of thought is the familiar internal battle. One side with "what if they expect so much from me they think they've made a mistake? What if they make me drive golf carts of people to show apartments and someone falls out? What if they think me juvenile for bringing father bobblehead, my beloved desk-mascot?" Luckily the other side is well-wishing. My mother, "You'll do fine. You're pretty and smart and can do anything you want to do. You just worry about getting enough sleep." My best friend, "Good luck! Tell me all about it!" My only female friend in Palm Harbor, "That's such a great job! You'll do great. Leasing agent is a perfect job for you." I just wish the happy thoughts jumped up on their own. It never happens that way, does it? No one ever wakes up suddenly surprised by how fantastic a dream was. It's the nightmares that are the most impactful. Damn.
After I've mulled over how to handle the job, the exciting part comes about. I wonder who my new office-friends will be. I wonder what sort of shortcuts I'll find that will allow a swing by Starbucks (after a paycheck, of course). I wonder what great things will come of Kyle's computer repair business while I'm away. I think I'll hit the hay 10 minutes early to allow my mind to play with these thoughts. I'll let you know how it all goes.
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